As a new mother, I've struggled with two cases of mental gymnastics
that I feel need to be brought to light. They have to do with:
In each case, the only way to make it through the former is by completely committing yourself to it and rejecting the latter. By telling yourself it's the best for your baby. By a lot. It's the healthiest, the most natural, the most authentic. It's the only option. You have to want it really bad, and then work really hard to make it through. Through the long hours of contractions that get stronger every time, the transition stage when you get no breaks in the intensity, the pushing stage when you experience the worst pain you've ever felt in your whole life. You tell yourself you can't give up, can't give in, have to make it through. Through the cracked and bleeding nipples, the self-doubt and feelings of incompetency, the multiple feedings every night, the ridiculousness of hooking yourself up to a machine like a dairy cow, the fears of mastitis, the inability to go anywhere or do anything for longer than two hours without worrying about both how the baby will eat and what you will do with the excess milk. You have to tell yourself this is the BEST FOR YOUR BABY.
Meanwhile, you have to SIMULTANEOUSLY prepare yourself in case the former doesn't work out. You have to be ready to accept the epidural or to give your baby formula. Because for many women, for myriad reasons, natural birth and/or breastfeeding just plain don't work. And that's ok. It's ok. Say it with me, IT'S OK. It really is. But if you've been psyching yourself up to get through the former, accepting the latter often causes feelings of failure, feelings of guilt, feelings that you weren't able to do what's BEST FOR YOUR BABY. You gave up, you gave in, you weren't strong enough, you didn't try hard enough.You're not a good mother.
And so the whole time, as you struggle through, you do these mental gymnastics. You tell yourself on the one hand that natural childbirth/breastfeeding is absolutely essential and on the other hand that an epidural/formula is also a perfectly valid alternative. It's enough to make a person crazy.
No one really talks about this. People ask you as a pregnant woman which of the two you're "going to do" and it seems like a once and done decision. But I realized that for me, at least, natural childbirth ended up being a choice I had to make multiple times throughout the delivery process. Each time I had to take into account a variety of factors. And I experienced a true feeling of liberation when I realized that breastfeeding is also a decision I make over and over. Instead of feeling trapped to do what's BEST FOR MY BABY, I feel free to choose between two viable alternatives. And if one day I choose the latter, it won't be because I gave up or gave in or because I wasn't strong enough. It will be because what's best for my baby is complex. And it has a lot to do with her having a happy and well-adjusted mama. Enough with the mental gymnastics.
[DISCLAIMER: I've been fortunate to not have medical concerns influence my ability to make decisions in either situation. I know for many moms this isn't the case, and I'm sure that leads to a whole host of other frustrations.]
"Natural birth" vs. epidural (or other interventions)
Breastfeeding vs. formula
In each case, the only way to make it through the former is by completely committing yourself to it and rejecting the latter. By telling yourself it's the best for your baby. By a lot. It's the healthiest, the most natural, the most authentic. It's the only option. You have to want it really bad, and then work really hard to make it through. Through the long hours of contractions that get stronger every time, the transition stage when you get no breaks in the intensity, the pushing stage when you experience the worst pain you've ever felt in your whole life. You tell yourself you can't give up, can't give in, have to make it through. Through the cracked and bleeding nipples, the self-doubt and feelings of incompetency, the multiple feedings every night, the ridiculousness of hooking yourself up to a machine like a dairy cow, the fears of mastitis, the inability to go anywhere or do anything for longer than two hours without worrying about both how the baby will eat and what you will do with the excess milk. You have to tell yourself this is the BEST FOR YOUR BABY.
Meanwhile, you have to SIMULTANEOUSLY prepare yourself in case the former doesn't work out. You have to be ready to accept the epidural or to give your baby formula. Because for many women, for myriad reasons, natural birth and/or breastfeeding just plain don't work. And that's ok. It's ok. Say it with me, IT'S OK. It really is. But if you've been psyching yourself up to get through the former, accepting the latter often causes feelings of failure, feelings of guilt, feelings that you weren't able to do what's BEST FOR YOUR BABY. You gave up, you gave in, you weren't strong enough, you didn't try hard enough.You're not a good mother.
And so the whole time, as you struggle through, you do these mental gymnastics. You tell yourself on the one hand that natural childbirth/breastfeeding is absolutely essential and on the other hand that an epidural/formula is also a perfectly valid alternative. It's enough to make a person crazy.
No one really talks about this. People ask you as a pregnant woman which of the two you're "going to do" and it seems like a once and done decision. But I realized that for me, at least, natural childbirth ended up being a choice I had to make multiple times throughout the delivery process. Each time I had to take into account a variety of factors. And I experienced a true feeling of liberation when I realized that breastfeeding is also a decision I make over and over. Instead of feeling trapped to do what's BEST FOR MY BABY, I feel free to choose between two viable alternatives. And if one day I choose the latter, it won't be because I gave up or gave in or because I wasn't strong enough. It will be because what's best for my baby is complex. And it has a lot to do with her having a happy and well-adjusted mama. Enough with the mental gymnastics.
[DISCLAIMER: I've been fortunate to not have medical concerns influence my ability to make decisions in either situation. I know for many moms this isn't the case, and I'm sure that leads to a whole host of other frustrations.]
